Life’s been a little crazy over the past few weeks. I’ve injured my back, my grandfather has been ill, I’ve been casting a play, moving offices as work, and trying to get moving on our wedding planning.
The wedding planning is no further along than it was before. That is, not so very far along. I know the most important thing is to stand up there with the man I love and say I do, but I’d like it to be pretty. My fiancé’s nephew is a very talented fine dining chef, who has so kindly offered to cater our wedding (which is a major plus for us, with our love of good food!!). Problem is- we can’t find a venue in NSW, with that certain je ne sais quoi, which will also let us bring our own caterer. Actually that’s not quite true- I’ve found two, and in a cruel twist of fate both of them are selling up, so I have to wait to find out what the new owners plan to do with the properties if I want to book one of them. Unfortunately, we don’t have a lot of time to spend playing the waiting game. We’ve come across some others, and have to send a big thank you my beautiful chief bridal attendant for her dedication to her unrelenting searching on my behalf. We’ve turned up some lovely places, but among all the places we’ve found I still can’t quite commit. I can’t say what it is but something is just missing from each of them. After seeing my friend Emma’s photos from her stunning wedding in Koh Lanta in Thailand, I’m tempted to follow suit, but doing so would mean that so many of our important guests would not be able to be with us, and that thought saddens me……… So the search continues!!!!! (Any ideas on venues anyone out there may have would be appreciated!)
I’ve run auditions and started rehearsals for the play I’m directing in July. My first play. Wow… I’m officially a director now. Along with the excitement there’s a great big dose of nerves. I’ve been working towards it for a while and now it’s time to put the experience and training to work. I’m pretty buzzed about it as I have a fantastic cast and some great people backing me and helping out behind the scenes. All these ideas are floating around in my head… unfortunately money doesn’t grow on trees, and being a community theatre, we've got to work within our means.. sadly, that means that the budget is minimal, so I’ll be lucky if I can implement even half of them, but with brilliant actors it should be fantastic anyway. I believe a great play is a sum of all of its parts: costumes, set, lighting, music and props all enhance a play’s magic, but the actors performances should be able to stand alone. I’ve all the faith in the world in my uber talented cast- but as to me- wish me luck!!!
The biggest challenge over the past weeks came with a phone call at 1am, advising me I needed to move quickly as my grandfather’s condition had worsened and he wasn’t likely to make it through the next 24 hours. I arrived at the hospital at 3am…. He was already in a coma. Sadly he never reawakened, and passed away a little after 9am the following morning. I’m sorry I didn’t get the opportunity to look him in the eye one last time and tell him how much I love him. I only hope he somehow heard me anyway. . I hope he knew how much he was, and still is, loved.
As I mentioned earlier, I’d hurt my back and hadn’t been able to get up to see him, it took me time and some very good advice to come to terms with not only my grief, but also my guilt over it. I’m still not there but it’s getting easier. I read somewhere that guilt enhances grief even more than love does. I guess it’s true because you aren’t likely to be feeling guilt alongside your grief, unless you also feel love. Guilt and regrets make it so much harder to let go.
He was very special to me, and I’ve had a hard time coping with the loss of him. I miss him terribly. So many little things, and fabulous memories, but the thing I miss the most is his hugs. Curling up in my grandaddy’s arms for a cuddle as a little girl taught me that a hug is sometimes the safest place you can ever be. He always seemed like such a great big bear of a man to me in those days, and I felt safe and loved and special. That feeling never abated as I grew up, and to the last my safe place was always in one of Grandad’s hugs.
I found this beautiful song by Wendy Matthews called Flower on the Water, which summed up all of my feelings at the time. I considered asking my Nan if we could have it played at the funeral, until I realised it made me cry every time I listened to it, and she was determined that we would play only music that would celebrate his life, not draw on our grief. It’s a beautiful song- the only thing wrong with it is one tiny little letter ‘D’. It speaks of how we loved, not how we love. One thing that anyone who has ever lost a loved one will tell you is that you don’t stop loving, just because they’ve passed away.
Spending time with my family in the days following my grandfather’s passing was a special time. We cried together, and laughed together... and shared so many wonderful memories. I was reminded of things long forgotten, and had things confirmed as memories that I’d begun to think were just my imagination. It gave me comfort, remembering these things, to know that he isn’t really gone. Not while ever we keep him in our hearts, speak of him with love, smile when we think of him, and laugh at the silly things, he’s still with us. He touched our lives, and contributed to who we are, and so while ever we are still living, so too will a piece of him live on. Even after we’re gone, he will live on in the rhymes and songs and skills he taught us, that we will in turn teach our children, and grandchildren, and that, to me, is a comforting thought.
To my family- I know I don’t see you all as often as I should, but I’ll try to remedy that. Know that my door is always open and we’ve a spare bed if you want to come for a visit… we’d love to have you! I love you all very much, please don’t ever doubt that.
To my beautiful fiancé- you are my rock. In the turmoil that can sometimes be my life you are always so solid and true. I would be lost without you. Your love is a tangible gift, I promise never to take you for granted. Thank you for keeping me sane... and when you can’t, thank you for loving my crazy. I love you with all my heart and am looking forward to our life together and there is to come… even the dad jokes. J (Hey, that’s not bad…. I may have just written my wedding vows!)
This all has reminded me of some important things:
Family are important. They’ve known you since before you were you. They can bring out the best and the worst in you, and they will always be a part of you. They help you remember who you are when you’ve forgotten yourself, and bring you down to earth. They are there for you, even when they are thousands of miles away, so you always know that you are never alone if you don’t want to be.
True friends are irreplaceable. Cherish them, be there for them and they’ll be there for you.
Never take the ones you love for granted. Cherish the little things, and try to spend more time with them than you think you have to give. Sometimes life gets in the way, so when you have the chance to spend the time with them, really be there. Don’t be worrying about work, or the phone bill, or the toilet that needs fixing, or the washing you haven’t done- for those things, there is always tomorrow... Focus on the moments that make you smile, make fabulous memories, because when the time comes and you have no more tomorrows together, you won’t have to face the regrets, and the memories you created together will get you through.
Life is too short to hold a grudge. Apologise at the time of the offence, forgive while you still have the chance, and don’t sweat the small stuff.
Live every second, love with all your heart and when you find someone who makes you smile, spend every second you can with them.
Hugs are essential. They can make you feel loved, and safe, and connected….. And they speak volumes when you just don’t have the words.
Having said that, it seems a fitting place to end. Perhaps I’ve reached the limit of my words for tonight.
So for now, I’ll just leave you with a hug.
Ally
x
