A new dawn...

If my darling cousin and fellow blogger hadn't already used it, I'd be entitling this blog post "Forgive me Blogosphere for I have sinned. It has been 2 years since my last post session".

Two years! Wow. It's amazing, how much has changed in that time. Some for the worse, most for the better, and some which has compelled me to write. So I'm back.

I logged on and realised how busy I've been in the last two years- I need to update my introduction to who I am, as I no longer live with my fiancé- he's now my wonderful husband. We've been married for over a year now, have been on an amazing honeymoon (I wish I'd had the foresight to blog about it at the time- so many amazing memories, and wonderful creative inspirations!) and we have our own little alien... err sorry, I mean.. adorable little munchkin on the way.

My little bundle of inspiration. That is what is inspiring me to write. I want to capture some of my thoughts, some of the day to day, so my baby has something to look back on later. Maybe s/he'll think I'm crazy, maybe s/he will just think I'm a dork, but hopefully, one day it will help them get to know me better, or help when life throws them curve balls.. Who knows? Maybe it's really just a way for me as a mother to feel I'm sharing something of who I am now, for them to read in the future should they ever wonder what Mummy was like when they were a baby- even if it never gets read, at least they'll have it.

It's amazing the things you learn about pregnancy as you go through it.. I'm not sure if it's that no one tells you some of these things, or that when you are footloose and fancy free you just chose to block it from your memory.. but either way, there's some weird things going on in this body of mine!! Some of them I expected- like the back ache, and being tired all the time, and hormones upsetting my skin (Hello acne I never had as a teenager.. I look like a 14 year old with a junk food addiction and no access to soap), and stretch marks, and the odd discomfort as my body stretches to accommodate the alien.. After all, there's a little tadpole taking up residence in that space and using the energy that the food I eat would normally provide me with to grow into a perfect little person. I expected those things... But there are others like carpal tunnel- waking up with numb finger tips because you've slept with your arm on the wrong angle, or early on feeling period type pain, that makes you worry that something is wrong, but can in fact, be perfectly normal. 

I'm beginning to think that the many things that happen in pregnancy, and that happen to the point where you end up having to explain them to your husband or significant other- just so he or she understands that the reason you are taking so long to get yourself out of the bathroom in the morning has nothing to do with vanity, and everything to do with self preservation and the safety of the community at large- things so mortifyingly embarrassing in the normal day to day of it all, that by telling him you are thereby removing all dignity and mystery from the relationship. 

These hideous things are going down in your body, things you would NEVER dream of divulging (you are a Lady after all) under ordinary circumstances, and yet you feel obliged to explain, just so as not to seem like a crazy, lazy princess all of a sudden. I'm sure it is designed to prepare you for the ultimate indignity of child birth. As amazing and incredible as I am sure it is, I'm already positive that there's no way to go through that and maintain ones dignity.... And by all accounts, when you get to that point, you no longer care- you just want it over and down with in the quickest, safest and most painless way possible.

Ah, childbirth. Some people say it's Mother Nature's cruel joke. I say it's proof that if there is a creator, he's a man... And a vindictive one. Haha. Seriously- when whoever you are, was creating the prototypes, surely when you were trying to figure out how to get the little ones from point A- cushy warm safe womb, to point B- the big bad outside world, you could have taken a moment to conceive a less traumatic way of getting the perfect little mini-persons OUT!

Feeling the little alien bouncing around IS uber cool though, and makes all the other stuff worthwhile... even when it does that roly-poly thing that makes you feel a little like you're seasick.. Even when they poke places they shouldn't poke.. And I'm sure any other mother reading this will agree that they get tiny limbs into places they shouldn't ought be able to!

By the book, bub is due in six weeks. Six weeks. SIX... Weeks. Holy mother! In such a short time, I'm going to be responsible for this helpless little life... forever. I only hope I do a cracking job of being a Mum. It all seemed so far away, but it has all gone so fast, I'm starting to feel a little bit of panic. Loads and loads of excitement... But just a wee little bit of panic sets in along side the anticipation (let me just be clear, that anticipation is all for the child and not for the birth), I hope that my worrying about it, means I'll succeed...  At least for the most part anyway! 

Being honest- there are two reasons for the panic, there is the obvious one about not feeling grown up or responsible enough to be a good parent to this little person, you want the best for, and want to protect and nurture, and give the world to. That's the obvious one. You can't know how you are going to be as a parent, and it should be scary, because it means it matters to you, and if you are feeling it, you can rest assured you will do your very best- and thats all any of us can really offer.

The other we talk about less, but I am beginning to suspect that everyone feels this way at some point in pregnancy- part of me is beginning to mourn the loss of my childless status- being able to decide at the drop of a hat to go for drinks after work, or catch a show, or go for an impromptu dinner with friends. Just to snuggle with my husband on the couch with out another care in the world, or to jump on a plane and travel to foreign places without thought to anything, other than whether I can get the leave from work and have enough cash to last me the duration of the adventure.. or even just run down to the shops because I've forgotten something I need for dinner, or to work back to finish something without having to execute an operation of rescheduling with a small army of people to do so. To be able to sleep, let alone sleep-in. 

It's also interesting timing, this whole pregnancy caper- because I finally have a job I love.. And I'm good at it. After years of doing work I hated to make ends meet, I've finally found where I want to go with my life. I know that having a baby doesn't mean the end of my career- but it does mean putting it on hold for a little while- which is hard when you're on the fast track, and being noticed by the right people. Then- thinking about my career when I have this awesome little life growing inside me (who I want to do my absolute best for) leads to the Mummy Guilt.

You know what Mummy Guilt is right? My friends describe it as the feeling you get that you are incredibly selfish, because you are having thoughts about your own wants, rather than your child's... It's so ingrained in us that mothers are selfless people who live for our families and sacrifice our own wants and needs, that we expect falling pregnant to flick a switch to turn our own wants, needs, goals and aspirations off.. When that doesn't happen, we feel guilty for wanting to retain some autonomy, even while wanting to do what is best for our kids. And there in lies the greatest challenge of being a woman. How to have it all to the detriment of none. If anyone figures it out- let me know!

It's also a feeling like I am stepping over the threshold into another life... And I don't want to leave my best friends in that other place. Through various conversations about life in general, and all things future, I think I had the expectation that we'd all be trying to get pregnant around the same time. I know that trying doesn't necessarily mean "will be happening", but still I think we hoped it would happen that way. That we'd be going through this together too- like we have all those other life stages, that our kids would be around the same age, and grow up playing together. For many reasons that hasn't happened though- so I'm stepping through alone. Scary.

These women have been my rock, my sanity, my joy and my salvation on many occasions. I have the most amazing network of women in my life, but these two- they get me like no one else. They know my faults, my strengths, my utterly annoying traits and they love me because of them.

We're also among the last of our friends to be "childless". We've watched other friends step into motherhood, and felt a distance, that none of us meant to let in, not us, or our Mummy friends- but as priorities change (as the rightly should) and they become engrossed in a "new world",  that seems to the naive childless to be ruled by nappies, and dummies and bottles, and other unmentionable things, that suddenly are no longer unmentionable. Those friends develop new aspects to friendships with other friends with kids, and through not being able to fully comprehend what they are going through, we feel a little on the outer, in the same way that they no longer really relate to our gripes about an annoying colleague, impossible deadline, horrors of peak our traffic and disgusting antics of people on the train.

While their current adventures include their careers moving at dizzying speeds towards greatness (we are talking being pushed by incredibly intelligent aintellectual and highly influential people towards amazing career advancements), engaging an agent to move towards childhood dreams, and travelling to South America to walk the Inca Trail, it feels like my life is winding down or something, and I'm preparing to emerge into something different. I know I can still do those things later, but right now, my focus has shifted, and our paths are seemingly diverging. 

It also comes at a time when our Mummy friends are emerging from their baby bubbles, and are rediscovering themselves as individuals, and focusing more on their personal interests.. So it does feel a little lonely out here in "pregnant land"... But I guess I'll find my way- and hope I can manage to live in the brave new world, whilst still managing to visit the "real world" as often as possible. Wish me luck.. I suspect I'm going to need it!! 

crazy little thing called life

Life’s been a little crazy over the past few weeks. I’ve injured my back, my grandfather has been ill, I’ve been casting a play, moving offices as work, and trying to get moving on our wedding planning.

The wedding planning is no further along than it was before. That is, not so very far along. I know the most important thing is to stand up there with the man I love and say I do, but I’d like it to be pretty. My fiancé’s nephew is a very talented fine dining chef, who has so kindly offered to cater our wedding (which is a major plus for us, with our love of good food!!). Problem is- we can’t find a venue in NSW, with that certain je ne sais quoi, which will also let us bring our own caterer. Actually that’s not quite true- I’ve found two, and in a cruel twist of fate both of them are selling up, so I have to wait to find out what the new owners plan to do with the properties if I want to book one of them. Unfortunately, we don’t have a lot of time to spend playing the waiting game. We’ve come across some others, and have to send a big thank you my beautiful chief bridal attendant for her dedication to her unrelenting searching on my behalf. We’ve turned up some lovely places, but among all the places we’ve found I still can’t quite commit. I can’t say what it is but something is just missing from each of them. After seeing my friend Emma’s photos from her stunning wedding in Koh Lanta in Thailand, I’m tempted to follow suit, but doing so would mean that so many of our important guests would not be able to be with us, and that thought saddens me……… So the search continues!!!!! (Any ideas on venues anyone out there may have would be appreciated!)

I’ve run auditions and started rehearsals for the play I’m directing in July. My first play. Wow… I’m officially a director now. Along with the excitement there’s a great big dose of nerves. I’ve been working towards it for a while and now it’s time to put the experience and training to work.  I’m pretty buzzed about it as I have a fantastic cast and some great people backing me and helping out behind the scenes. All these ideas are floating around in my head… unfortunately money doesn’t grow on trees, and  being a community theatre, we've got to work within our means.. sadly, that means that the budget is minimal, so I’ll be lucky if I can implement even half of them, but with brilliant actors it should be fantastic anyway. I believe a great play is a sum of all of its parts: costumes, set, lighting, music and props all enhance a play’s magic, but the actors performances should be able to stand alone. I’ve all the faith in the world in my uber talented cast- but as to me- wish me luck!!!

The biggest challenge over the past weeks came with a phone call at 1am, advising me I needed to move quickly as my grandfather’s condition had worsened and he wasn’t likely to make it through the next 24 hours. I arrived at the hospital at 3am…. He was already in a coma. Sadly he never reawakened, and passed away a little after 9am the following morning. I’m sorry I didn’t get the opportunity to look him in the eye one last time and tell him how much I love him. I only hope he somehow heard me anyway. . I hope he knew how much he was, and still is, loved.

As I mentioned earlier, I’d hurt my back and hadn’t been able to get up to see him, it took me time and some very good advice to come to terms with not only my grief, but also my guilt over it. I’m still not there but it’s getting easier. I read somewhere that guilt enhances grief even more than love does. I guess it’s true because you aren’t likely to be feeling guilt alongside your grief, unless you also feel love. Guilt and regrets make it so much harder to let go.  

He was very special to me, and I’ve had a hard time coping with the loss of him. I miss him terribly. So many little things, and fabulous memories, but the thing I miss the most is his hugs. Curling up in my grandaddy’s arms for a cuddle as a little girl taught me that a hug is sometimes the safest place you can ever be. He always seemed like such a great big bear of a man to me in those days, and I felt safe and loved and special. That feeling never abated as I grew up, and to the last my safe place was always in one of Grandad’s hugs.     

I found this beautiful song by Wendy Matthews called Flower on the Water, which summed up all of my feelings at the time. I considered asking my Nan if we could have it played at the funeral, until I realised it made me cry every time I listened to it, and she was determined that we would play only music that would celebrate his life, not draw on our grief. It’s a beautiful song- the only thing wrong with it is one tiny little letter ‘D’. It speaks of how we loved, not how we love. One thing that anyone who has ever lost a loved one will tell you is that you don’t stop loving, just because they’ve passed away.

Spending time with my family in the days following my grandfather’s passing was a special time. We cried together, and laughed together... and shared so many wonderful memories. I was reminded of things long forgotten, and had things confirmed as memories that I’d begun to think were just my imagination. It gave me comfort, remembering these things, to know that he isn’t really gone. Not while ever we keep him in our hearts, speak of him with love, smile when we think of him, and laugh at the silly things, he’s still with us. He touched our lives, and contributed to who we are, and so while ever we are still living, so too will a piece of him live on. Even after we’re gone, he will live on in the rhymes and songs and skills he taught us, that we will in turn teach our children, and grandchildren, and that, to me, is a comforting thought.

To my family- I know I don’t see you all as often as I should, but I’ll try to remedy that. Know that my door is always open and we’ve a spare bed if you want to come for a visit… we’d love to have you! I love you all very much, please don’t ever doubt that.

To my beautiful fiancé- you are my rock. In the turmoil that can sometimes be my life you are always so solid and true. I would be lost without you. Your love is a tangible gift, I promise never to take you for granted. Thank you for keeping me sane... and when you can’t, thank you for loving my crazy. I love you with all my heart and am looking forward to our life together and there is to come… even the dad jokes. J  (Hey, that’s not bad…. I may have just written my wedding vows!)

This all has reminded me of some important things:

Family are important. They’ve known you since before you were you. They can bring out the best and the worst in you, and they will always be a part of you. They help you remember who you are when you’ve forgotten yourself, and bring you down to earth. They are there for you, even when they are thousands of miles away, so you always know that you are never alone if you don’t want to be.

True friends are irreplaceable. Cherish them, be there for them and they’ll be there for you. 

Never take the ones you love for granted. Cherish the little things, and try to spend more time with them than you think you have to give. Sometimes life gets in the way, so when you have the chance to spend the time with them, really be there. Don’t be worrying about work, or the phone bill, or the toilet that needs fixing, or the washing you haven’t done- for those things, there is always tomorrow... Focus on the moments that make you smile, make fabulous memories, because when the time comes and you have no more tomorrows together, you won’t have to face the regrets, and the memories you created together will get you through.

Life is too short to hold a grudge. Apologise at the time of the offence, forgive while you still have the chance, and don’t sweat the small stuff.

Live every second, love with all your heart and when you find someone who makes you smile, spend every second you can with them.

Hugs are essential. They can make you feel loved, and safe, and connected….. And they speak volumes when you just don’t have the words.

Having said that, it seems a fitting place to end. Perhaps I’ve reached the limit of my words for tonight.

So for now, I’ll just leave you with a hug.

Ally

x

In the beginning....

So today I have decided to try my hand at "The Blog"…..The modern media replacing the diaries and journals of yester year. Hopefully my attempts at this will be more successful than the countless diaries I've started and left behind.

I love to write. I’ve always thought I’d like to write a novel, but these days I seem to lack the creativity, and as to keeping a journal or diary- I've just never found the day to day details of my life interesting enough to sit down and record on a daily basis…… Which is why I want to dedicate this, my first ever blog, to the wonderful women in my life. Their lives are far more colourful and interesting than mine will ever be.

I firmly believe that my friends are among some of the most amazing women on the planet, and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. I am so grateful to them all for being there and having the tenacity to stick by me, even in the hard times. I would not have survived this long without them. Anyone with good gal pals will be able to relate to this sentiment. Not only are they reliable, compassionate and funny, they are incredibly talented and creative to boot.

One of them has recently signed a book deal to have her first novel published. Another is an incredible actress who has just started her own event design company, and another still an incredibly talented young lawyer. Some of them have science degrees, and others have incredible talents for other things- like acting, singing, dancing, interior design, and teaching. Others have the skills to make you laugh, or make beautiful music with any instrument they pick up. For some it’s gardening, training animals or making cocktails. Others still, have the most jaw dropping organisation skills you’re likely to encounter, the biggest heart, and the most generous spirit you will ever find in a person. Most of them are incredible mothers to beautiful, well-adjusted kids. Whatever their particular talent, they are all amazing, and all of them deserve recognition. It can sometimes be intimidating to be around these incredible women- but it is always inspiring.

Now that I’ve raved about the women who keep me sane … or relatively so at least (those who know me well would say that’s debatable), I think I’ll leave my other musings for tomorrow.

Till then my friends,

Adieu.

x