A new dawn...

If my darling cousin and fellow blogger hadn't already used it, I'd be entitling this blog post "Forgive me Blogosphere for I have sinned. It has been 2 years since my last post session".

Two years! Wow. It's amazing, how much has changed in that time. Some for the worse, most for the better, and some which has compelled me to write. So I'm back.

I logged on and realised how busy I've been in the last two years- I need to update my introduction to who I am, as I no longer live with my fiancé- he's now my wonderful husband. We've been married for over a year now, have been on an amazing honeymoon (I wish I'd had the foresight to blog about it at the time- so many amazing memories, and wonderful creative inspirations!) and we have our own little alien... err sorry, I mean.. adorable little munchkin on the way.

My little bundle of inspiration. That is what is inspiring me to write. I want to capture some of my thoughts, some of the day to day, so my baby has something to look back on later. Maybe s/he'll think I'm crazy, maybe s/he will just think I'm a dork, but hopefully, one day it will help them get to know me better, or help when life throws them curve balls.. Who knows? Maybe it's really just a way for me as a mother to feel I'm sharing something of who I am now, for them to read in the future should they ever wonder what Mummy was like when they were a baby- even if it never gets read, at least they'll have it.

It's amazing the things you learn about pregnancy as you go through it.. I'm not sure if it's that no one tells you some of these things, or that when you are footloose and fancy free you just chose to block it from your memory.. but either way, there's some weird things going on in this body of mine!! Some of them I expected- like the back ache, and being tired all the time, and hormones upsetting my skin (Hello acne I never had as a teenager.. I look like a 14 year old with a junk food addiction and no access to soap), and stretch marks, and the odd discomfort as my body stretches to accommodate the alien.. After all, there's a little tadpole taking up residence in that space and using the energy that the food I eat would normally provide me with to grow into a perfect little person. I expected those things... But there are others like carpal tunnel- waking up with numb finger tips because you've slept with your arm on the wrong angle, or early on feeling period type pain, that makes you worry that something is wrong, but can in fact, be perfectly normal. 

I'm beginning to think that the many things that happen in pregnancy, and that happen to the point where you end up having to explain them to your husband or significant other- just so he or she understands that the reason you are taking so long to get yourself out of the bathroom in the morning has nothing to do with vanity, and everything to do with self preservation and the safety of the community at large- things so mortifyingly embarrassing in the normal day to day of it all, that by telling him you are thereby removing all dignity and mystery from the relationship. 

These hideous things are going down in your body, things you would NEVER dream of divulging (you are a Lady after all) under ordinary circumstances, and yet you feel obliged to explain, just so as not to seem like a crazy, lazy princess all of a sudden. I'm sure it is designed to prepare you for the ultimate indignity of child birth. As amazing and incredible as I am sure it is, I'm already positive that there's no way to go through that and maintain ones dignity.... And by all accounts, when you get to that point, you no longer care- you just want it over and down with in the quickest, safest and most painless way possible.

Ah, childbirth. Some people say it's Mother Nature's cruel joke. I say it's proof that if there is a creator, he's a man... And a vindictive one. Haha. Seriously- when whoever you are, was creating the prototypes, surely when you were trying to figure out how to get the little ones from point A- cushy warm safe womb, to point B- the big bad outside world, you could have taken a moment to conceive a less traumatic way of getting the perfect little mini-persons OUT!

Feeling the little alien bouncing around IS uber cool though, and makes all the other stuff worthwhile... even when it does that roly-poly thing that makes you feel a little like you're seasick.. Even when they poke places they shouldn't poke.. And I'm sure any other mother reading this will agree that they get tiny limbs into places they shouldn't ought be able to!

By the book, bub is due in six weeks. Six weeks. SIX... Weeks. Holy mother! In such a short time, I'm going to be responsible for this helpless little life... forever. I only hope I do a cracking job of being a Mum. It all seemed so far away, but it has all gone so fast, I'm starting to feel a little bit of panic. Loads and loads of excitement... But just a wee little bit of panic sets in along side the anticipation (let me just be clear, that anticipation is all for the child and not for the birth), I hope that my worrying about it, means I'll succeed...  At least for the most part anyway! 

Being honest- there are two reasons for the panic, there is the obvious one about not feeling grown up or responsible enough to be a good parent to this little person, you want the best for, and want to protect and nurture, and give the world to. That's the obvious one. You can't know how you are going to be as a parent, and it should be scary, because it means it matters to you, and if you are feeling it, you can rest assured you will do your very best- and thats all any of us can really offer.

The other we talk about less, but I am beginning to suspect that everyone feels this way at some point in pregnancy- part of me is beginning to mourn the loss of my childless status- being able to decide at the drop of a hat to go for drinks after work, or catch a show, or go for an impromptu dinner with friends. Just to snuggle with my husband on the couch with out another care in the world, or to jump on a plane and travel to foreign places without thought to anything, other than whether I can get the leave from work and have enough cash to last me the duration of the adventure.. or even just run down to the shops because I've forgotten something I need for dinner, or to work back to finish something without having to execute an operation of rescheduling with a small army of people to do so. To be able to sleep, let alone sleep-in. 

It's also interesting timing, this whole pregnancy caper- because I finally have a job I love.. And I'm good at it. After years of doing work I hated to make ends meet, I've finally found where I want to go with my life. I know that having a baby doesn't mean the end of my career- but it does mean putting it on hold for a little while- which is hard when you're on the fast track, and being noticed by the right people. Then- thinking about my career when I have this awesome little life growing inside me (who I want to do my absolute best for) leads to the Mummy Guilt.

You know what Mummy Guilt is right? My friends describe it as the feeling you get that you are incredibly selfish, because you are having thoughts about your own wants, rather than your child's... It's so ingrained in us that mothers are selfless people who live for our families and sacrifice our own wants and needs, that we expect falling pregnant to flick a switch to turn our own wants, needs, goals and aspirations off.. When that doesn't happen, we feel guilty for wanting to retain some autonomy, even while wanting to do what is best for our kids. And there in lies the greatest challenge of being a woman. How to have it all to the detriment of none. If anyone figures it out- let me know!

It's also a feeling like I am stepping over the threshold into another life... And I don't want to leave my best friends in that other place. Through various conversations about life in general, and all things future, I think I had the expectation that we'd all be trying to get pregnant around the same time. I know that trying doesn't necessarily mean "will be happening", but still I think we hoped it would happen that way. That we'd be going through this together too- like we have all those other life stages, that our kids would be around the same age, and grow up playing together. For many reasons that hasn't happened though- so I'm stepping through alone. Scary.

These women have been my rock, my sanity, my joy and my salvation on many occasions. I have the most amazing network of women in my life, but these two- they get me like no one else. They know my faults, my strengths, my utterly annoying traits and they love me because of them.

We're also among the last of our friends to be "childless". We've watched other friends step into motherhood, and felt a distance, that none of us meant to let in, not us, or our Mummy friends- but as priorities change (as the rightly should) and they become engrossed in a "new world",  that seems to the naive childless to be ruled by nappies, and dummies and bottles, and other unmentionable things, that suddenly are no longer unmentionable. Those friends develop new aspects to friendships with other friends with kids, and through not being able to fully comprehend what they are going through, we feel a little on the outer, in the same way that they no longer really relate to our gripes about an annoying colleague, impossible deadline, horrors of peak our traffic and disgusting antics of people on the train.

While their current adventures include their careers moving at dizzying speeds towards greatness (we are talking being pushed by incredibly intelligent aintellectual and highly influential people towards amazing career advancements), engaging an agent to move towards childhood dreams, and travelling to South America to walk the Inca Trail, it feels like my life is winding down or something, and I'm preparing to emerge into something different. I know I can still do those things later, but right now, my focus has shifted, and our paths are seemingly diverging. 

It also comes at a time when our Mummy friends are emerging from their baby bubbles, and are rediscovering themselves as individuals, and focusing more on their personal interests.. So it does feel a little lonely out here in "pregnant land"... But I guess I'll find my way- and hope I can manage to live in the brave new world, whilst still managing to visit the "real world" as often as possible. Wish me luck.. I suspect I'm going to need it!!